Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
