u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
