So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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