I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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