Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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