Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
