you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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