if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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