Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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