Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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