when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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