Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
