giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
