I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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