please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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