She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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