how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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