when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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