you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
