I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
