I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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