At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
