big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
