NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
