Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You made out with two different species that night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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