I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
