thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
