Only a mothe r could love this liver
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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