Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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