and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
