Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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