Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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