i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
