I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
