My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
