if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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