your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
