I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
