I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
