Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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