dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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