I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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