I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize