Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
