so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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