I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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