How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
