He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
