Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
