I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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