woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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